Azura's' Home Planet

In a high school classroom where there are about 19 other students sits an individual who is internally screaming to be let out of this room. It is winter time, and the sky is gray with a brewing snowstorm within its clouds. The student, on the verge of tears after seeing that they failed yet another test, desperately tries to hide this through humor. “At least I didn’t score lower than a 50,” they say with a thin smile. They hide their paper in shame when asked what they got, always feeling unintelligent when the answer is quite obvious to the others, but not to them. When the teacher, an older white man who loves rock music, starts the class off with a tad bit about a concert he saw that past weekend or a family event, they see it as an opportunity to establish friendly communication. Across the room though, a person in a band with a cool hairstyle, captures his attention more. They bond over Tool and other bands I don’t listen to, but I try since I am in need of a way to connect to the teacher. It fails ultimately and I am left to just be that student. None of the other students speak as much as I do when it comes to the problems on the board. Always asking to clarify problems, repeat himself, and explain this over and over again until visible annoyance peaks through. This right here is the moment they decide to just say fuck it. They coast along when it comes to anything math or science related; just praying for at least C. They want nothing to do with the subjects so they aim for the humanities in college. In college they learn that they are indeed not stupid, rather misunderstood and the system itself in need of a radical change to its structures. 

As you can guess, that student was me. I didn’t necessarily have an affinity for math nor science, yet I never felt scared of them until later in life. Science was actually my favorite when I was younger because it felt more like memorizing and implementation with the science projects we were given than actual higher level thinking. I remember it was middle school when my neuro-spiciness (as me and my friend like to call it) became more apparent when I failed my first math class. Science became harder as well to the point I would get stressed every time I was assigned assignments. My fear that was disguised as hate grew more and more. I couldn’t understand why exactly I wasn’t so fantastic at those subjects like everyone else. At that time school was my everything. It was where I could excel when I felt invisible at home. It made sense that my world would come crashing down when I failed that first math class because it was all I had at the time. As I got older and became more aware of my mental health I realized it wasn’t my fault that I failed. Academia failed me. 

As a college student things changed a little bit. Being able to access accommodations was the best thing for me since it allowed me to have a sort of even playing field. In academia, the pedagogy for teaching is so static to the point it can breed disinterest. People can lose interest in a topic just by sitting in a classroom; a subject they once loved now hated just because of the way it was taught to them. Academia has this covert way of operating: it is either you change yourself in order to receive only half of the information that is important from the professor that is lecturing, or you fail completely. This is bullshit. When you think about it, learning isn’t just memorizing. It is a symbiotic relationship between the information received and then translated within a person’s brain to the point it becomes a part of them. I would hope my doctor knows how to perform my brain surgery by heart if that is their specialty. Not just performing a by the book procedure, but a flawless performance of knowledge, evidence of retention, and innovation. In academia, you are not supported in that way. In fact you are only groomed to be a robot to repeat information over and over again in the same way over and over again. This pedagogy must change not to accommodate neurodivergent people, but rather to embrace us. Accommodation seems more like a matter-of-fact act. It kind of equates to “Oh. You’re here too. Okay.” Like an afterthought. I, along with other neurodivergent people, are not afterthoughts. We are people too. 

As I reflect upon my time away from school so far, I am starting to believe that my pursuit of academia is not just the fear of how competitive or hierarchical it is. It is a matter of not fitting in and as a by-product being ostracized. Having my work dismissed or disregarded on the grounds of it not meeting with the status quo has gotten to the point that this fear interferes with my hobbies, some that deviate from the norm. If they were to be found out, I would feel immense shame. Of course this is work that is being done on my part because I refuse to lead a life of shame for being who I am. However, though this fear can be deemed irrational to some it does have some truth to it. As much as I want to be an academic, you know a scholar who is also the eccentric professor who grades hard but is also worth taking since they know their students are capable they put their mind to, or a scholarly writer who is recognized for their merit and speaking their truth within the realm of academia, to me it is not worth sacrificing my authenticity. If I were to become a professor, I would raise hell. I would wreak havoc on this outdated pedagogy of teaching; it can inspire others to do the same. At a time where books are being censored and banned, education becoming more and more for-profit, and the humanities and social sciences becoming undervalued, a change in this sphere is needed. Neurodivergent people can be a huge part of that. With our unique perspective on learning and our varied ways in which we were forced to stay engaged in this pedagogy, it can serve as a blueprint to reform. Rethinking the way of learning is to be innovating with living. How a person learns can be applied in the outside world with relationships and more. My wish to anybody reading this thinking of pursuing this track is for you to believe in yourself no matter what because you can be a contributor to this radical reform. And maybe this is a message to myself. Maybe this is something I myself need to hear. If I need to hear it, somebody else out there does too. 

To wrap up today’s blog post, I want to reiterate until it is seared into the brain of you the reader. Academia is in need of reform. Neurodivergent people aren’t unintelligent or difficult to deal with, it is just possible you have unchecked biases. In order to be a more loving world, we accept it in all its shades. 

If you made it this far please like and comment if you feel compelled to. Also thank you so much for your time! I am currently listening to Ojerime’s Bad Influence in case you are wondering. Stay tuned for next week’s post! It will be very interesting hehe. 

Signing off,

Cosmos